What is This Thing Called Life…

10659088_10152250479220064_2609910462906457939_o-2Another friend passed away today…That’s three in the last month…It’s really hitting me hard…

I’m not even that old…or at least I don’t think I am (only 46). One passing has really shook me up (they all have, don’t misunderstand me). I’ve sometimes found it difficult to sleep and when I do, the dreams aren’t always pleasant. It leaves me waking up feeling a bit hopeless.

Then I turn on the news…okay, I don’t actually turn on the telly and watch the news…so I lied…but I see the news on my Facebook feed…I see the alerts come across my phone…and I would have to live in a cave to not see all the wrong that is in the world…

I suddenly feel mortal. I am having a hard time of it. I am not in a good place. I love my husband. I love where I live. I love the people in my life. I know I am very lucky and fortunate. I’m okay with not having loads of money. And stuff (who am I kidding, I have tonnes of tarantulas and books…and jackets…I have more stuff than I will ever need). Really what I am saying is that I love my life. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not doing enough. Or that I shouldn’t feel secure. That it can all be gone in an instant…I would be lost without my husband…and I can’t stop thinking about mortality…if I am gone tomorrow who will remember me? What will it matter?

Then there is the whole public awareness thing…

Is it enough that I try to be a good and accepting person? That I try to not spread negativity.

It’s frustrating that no matter what opinion one voices this day that someone always takes it personally. That you can’t support one issue without someone else thinking you are anti the other side. Why can’t there be good and bad on all sides? Why can’t we pick and choose the good and try to rid the world of the bad? Why must one pick a side and in by doing so accept both the bad and the good? I want to reject the bad. I want to change things. I don’t want to fight. Except for good…Sigh…

I think I could get angry with myself for letting things beyond my control upset me…but then I feel at the exact same moment that if I don’t let these things bother and upset me that I am part of the problem…

So feeling like this (really, does it even matter what the issues are? Be it politics, equality, religion, racism, or whatever, it all boils down to the same problems) what’s the fucking point?

I warned you…I’m not in a good place right now…

Don’t worry, I shall carry on carrying on…I’m not depressed…I’m just despondent…which might even be worse in some ways…

I don’t even know what the point of this rambling is…I just am saddened that my mates are gone…and saddened that no one seems to get along these days…that we let issues that should pull us together to work as a whole to fix things we see wrong in the world, instead seems to just put more distance between us and tear us down…that we are so determined to defend our stance that we no longer seek a middle ground…humanity is losing…I know this can’t be true…there is so much good in the world…but lately…I just feel that humanity is losing…

What is the point I ask again? I know I am not the first person to feel this way…I know many more will feel this way long after I am gone…but it helps me naught…

I just keep climbing this mountain and I am waiting for the sun to show itself…afraid that I shall arrive at the other side and find it even more desolate…

Okay, enough for now…chin up…

as Scarlett O’Hara would say…

“After all, tomorrow is another day.”

If you’re still reading this…thank you…much love to you xx


My Review: The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, Jay Rubin (Translator)

windupHow does one review a Murakami book? First I will start by saying, this guy is way too smart for me to grasp all of what he writes. Having said that, I think there was a time in my life that I would have grasped a lot more, but perhaps that time for me has passed….I think to truly appreciate all he expresses in a book that one must read his work over and over. If there is ever a book that you wish to have a dog-eared copy of, with passages underlined 3 times in bold pen, Murakami’s works would be it.

Part of my problem trying to absorb (and this is an author you *really* do absorb…He words sink into your bones, into your very tissue…one does not simply read Murakami, if you do, you are not doing it right….)Murakami is that I often get so enthralled with a single passage that my mind must stay and linger there for a great deal of time. Never mind that I have tried to continue on reading, my mind is still caressing a single passage over and over….so in effect, I often find myself having to go back and re read parts of the book….

Now this book. Many questions are asked here…and in true Murakami style, he leaves much to you, the reader, to decide the answers…I often get aggravated with authors that do this, but not with Murakami. He always ends the books in the only way possible to end them!

Yes, he has the moon and the stars in this book. He has good and evil. He has mysterious women….and he has a very simple, ordinary man, faced with what he knows in his heart to be true, even though everyone and everything is saying different. I think this book had a beautiful, fairy tale ending to it. It was so suspenseful in parts (I usually don’t get my heart pounding so fast as this book did!)….How far would you go for love? How much faith could you put in what your heart knows to be true, even though you mind tells you it is not? Finally, the question is asked is all you gain in the end worth the price you pay to stay true to your own self?

Of course there are many other aspects to this book…Far too many for me to try to explain or even understand, but this is what will stick with me from this book for a long time…..

as is true with any Murakami novel, you should travel this journey yourself to experience all he has to offer….and remember, you *must* stop and enjoy the scenery…the desalination of his books are only that…the end….the true magic lies in just getting there…..

Buy it now The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, Jay Rubin (Translator)

Random Book Muses Blog

Me Love….

“Do not fall in love with people like me.
I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.
I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.”
― Caitlyn Siehl

Saw this quote today and it made me smile….

Also made me think of me love…


I won’t go and get all soppy or anything….say something like he completes me or whatever….but I will be 100% honest and open right now…right here…..

I’ve felt completely alone in a world where I was surrounded by people…I’ve felt alienated even when I believed myself happy. At some point in my life, I just accepted that I was different and that I shouldn’t share the part of myself that made me…well me….

Then in he walks….Game changer….I don’t hesitate to share myself with him….even the weird tangents that I believe myself to sometimes be…

The best part of it is….

Something that I have struggled with all of my life….connecting with people….being myself….speaking of the random thoughts that have always went through my mind….well sharing with him just comes natural…

Again, I won’t say he completes me….but suddenly…I can’t deny it…I am….whole…..

My Review: What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty

whataliceI absolutely loved this book. The scenario is simple enough….Alice bumps her head and wakes up and can’t remember the last 10 years of her life.

Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong. Sure we can run into a friend that we haven’t seen for ages and judge them….how much have they changed….how much have they remained the same….are they thinner? Thicker? Do they act the same? Are they still lovely? Are they cynical? How much can someone change in ten years? How many life events can happen?

But stop all that….forget about your husband, you children, your parents, your siblings, and your friends….let’s stop for a second and look at ourselves. Whoa….that’s right….how much have YOU changed in the last 10 years? How has the changes you’ve made effected how people perceive you? How has it effected how you perceive OTHER people?

Not so simple now is it? We all know that people change…but it happens year by year….month by month….week by week…and day by day…..it happens so gradually that perhaps we don’t even realise it at all….until we wake up one day and ten years have passed….and we wonder…where did I go?

But Alice has no idea why she has changed. Why people treat her differently….she has only the view of herself from ten years ago…she has none of the newer memories that changed her to explain why….so she is left wondering how this could have happened. She is left judging herself and trying to figure it all out.

The novel gives you much to think about. The more you think about it, the more you have to think about. Imagine yourself 10 years ago…..now imagine your younger self looking at who you are today…with none of the knowledge of how you got there…..what would they see? WHO would they see? Would they be happy? Would they be a bit surprised? Disappointed? Would you feel confident that you had chosen the correct path and that you had made the right choices?

If not, would you be brave enough to make the changes your younger self desired? Sure we have all heard that saying….”If I only knew then what I know now”…..but really what does that mean? If you know it NOW, why not do the best you can to rectify it? Why assume that just because it was in the past that it’s too late to change yourself and try to make things better? Do we just use sayings like that for an excuse to take the easy road and not make changes in our life?

Again…so much to ponder here….I do believe I need to hurry up and read another Liane Moriarty book….this was pure bliss for me….

Buy it now What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty

Random Book Muses Blog