What is This Thing Called Life…

10659088_10152250479220064_2609910462906457939_o-2Another friend passed away today…That’s three in the last month…It’s really hitting me hard…

I’m not even that old…or at least I don’t think I am (only 46). One passing has really shook me up (they all have, don’t misunderstand me). I’ve sometimes found it difficult to sleep and when I do, the dreams aren’t always pleasant. It leaves me waking up feeling a bit hopeless.

Then I turn on the news…okay, I don’t actually turn on the telly and watch the news…so I lied…but I see the news on my Facebook feed…I see the alerts come across my phone…and I would have to live in a cave to not see all the wrong that is in the world…

I suddenly feel mortal. I am having a hard time of it. I am not in a good place. I love my husband. I love where I live. I love the people in my life. I know I am very lucky and fortunate. I’m okay with not having loads of money. And stuff (who am I kidding, I have tonnes of tarantulas and books…and jackets…I have more stuff than I will ever need). Really what I am saying is that I love my life. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not doing enough. Or that I shouldn’t feel secure. That it can all be gone in an instant…I would be lost without my husband…and I can’t stop thinking about mortality…if I am gone tomorrow who will remember me? What will it matter?

Then there is the whole public awareness thing…

Is it enough that I try to be a good and accepting person? That I try to not spread negativity.

It’s frustrating that no matter what opinion one voices this day that someone always takes it personally. That you can’t support one issue without someone else thinking you are anti the other side. Why can’t there be good and bad on all sides? Why can’t we pick and choose the good and try to rid the world of the bad? Why must one pick a side and in by doing so accept both the bad and the good? I want to reject the bad. I want to change things. I don’t want to fight. Except for good…Sigh…

I think I could get angry with myself for letting things beyond my control upset me…but then I feel at the exact same moment that if I don’t let these things bother and upset me that I am part of the problem…

So feeling like this (really, does it even matter what the issues are? Be it politics, equality, religion, racism, or whatever, it all boils down to the same problems) what’s the fucking point?

I warned you…I’m not in a good place right now…

Don’t worry, I shall carry on carrying on…I’m not depressed…I’m just despondent…which might even be worse in some ways…

I don’t even know what the point of this rambling is…I just am saddened that my mates are gone…and saddened that no one seems to get along these days…that we let issues that should pull us together to work as a whole to fix things we see wrong in the world, instead seems to just put more distance between us and tear us down…that we are so determined to defend our stance that we no longer seek a middle ground…humanity is losing…I know this can’t be true…there is so much good in the world…but lately…I just feel that humanity is losing…

What is the point I ask again? I know I am not the first person to feel this way…I know many more will feel this way long after I am gone…but it helps me naught…

I just keep climbing this mountain and I am waiting for the sun to show itself…afraid that I shall arrive at the other side and find it even more desolate…

Okay, enough for now…chin up…

as Scarlett O’Hara would say…

“After all, tomorrow is another day.”

If you’re still reading this…thank you…much love to you xx

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