Falling Down the Spirals of Despair


Sometimes it seems that it never stops. You find yourself forever going down into the depths of despair. For years it seemed that I had no destination to head to. I just continued to sink further down. Connections I had in the “real” world were easy to ignore. I could continue to close myself off from connections in the outside world. My smile and my sarcasm could continue to mask the lack of connection I felt in the world. I could fool myself that sleepless nights that turned into weeks that suddenly turned into years really had no purpose. That it was okay that all my clothes hung off my body after a bit. I could continue to, in some ways, embrace my lack of fulfillment. Telling myself that it was normal to feel so adrift. I could continue to tell myself it was okay, even it wasn’t normal, because I was surviving. That I didn’t mind cutting myself off more and more. That the minutes spent alone in my room were fine…even after they turned into hours, then days. Surrounded by only myself, my never-ending thoughts, and my books for company. After a time, the more I isolated myself, the easier it became…

The point being is that at the end of the day, that journey down the darkened staircase of my mind…the one that I thought had no destination…the one I thought would never end…that I would travel down for the rest of my day…well it turned out that I finally did hit the bottom…one day I finally came to a crossroads…

I didn’t get to the bottom by falling headfirst and cracking my noggin…I just finally had someone offer me the hand that I needed…totally unexpected, yet totally expected. Perhaps someone who had been traveling down his own hopeless spiral himself. No, love won’t solve all your problems. That isn’t what saved me. It was finally just deciding enough was enough and that perhaps that spiral that I thought was despair was just, in actuality, just a way I had of trying to protect myself. That the darkness was just shadows that I used to hide behind. after all, there’s no way I would have to worry about not fitting in if I never even tried. The more isolated my life became, the easier it seemed…The trick was to just finally reach the bottom that I had to reach to finally be able to walk forth…to realise that down doesn’t always mean total darkness…

Sometimes it just takes you to a different path…and if you look off to the left…or the right…you will see a door, and if you’re brave enough to open it, you might discover sunshine, enchantment, and companions that embrace the real you and never try to change you or mould you into someone who fits society’s image of conformity…

Once you start to look beyond the downward spirals, and you see a different path, once you’re in the light…rather it be alone or holding someone’s hand, that sunshine and the light will make it easier for you to hold your head high…you’ll no longer need the shadows to hide behind…and those that don’t support you, or try to bring you down? They too shall be blinded by the brightness that is in you…


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